my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
