I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I AM VODKA MAN
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Pants are for mortals
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
