When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
