I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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