I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
