I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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