In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
