Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
