I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
