I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
