she pinky promised me she was 18
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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