The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Randomize
