Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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