I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
