I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
