At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
