i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Say something about gay babies.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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