Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
