On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
