So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
