Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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