we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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