my phone needs a breathalizer
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My bed smells like the plague
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
