This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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