I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
