I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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