Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Randomize
