When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
