mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
