they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
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The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize