I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
