Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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