today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
