I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
