halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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