I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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