I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
