I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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