i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
