don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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