STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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