Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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