So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
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so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
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I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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