I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
