u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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