No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
