so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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