i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
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Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Everclear isn't food dammit
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way