is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
