One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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