I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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