ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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