At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
