The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
