I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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