hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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