sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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