DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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