1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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