Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
