The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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