I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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