we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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