Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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