please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize